Goals...

November is the month that Aims (Community College) told me that they would let me know if I made it into their radiology tech program. This is a big goal for me and I really want to get in, which is making November go by v.e.r.y. s.l.o.w.l.y. But, it has given me a lot of time to think about some of the other goals I have in my life.

To be clear, I am not a goal-oriented person. At least, I'd never thought of myself as one until I got pregnant. Making sure the Peanut was well-cared for and happy became my most important goal and I am so grateful that I was able to accomplish it. It also made me realize that I want to be the kind of person who my son can look at and, I dearly hope, be proud of. And THAT started to change the way I thought about my goals, or at least the big ones. So I went back to school this summer and took all the pre-requisite classes for the program I wanted, submitted my application the first day I was able to, and then sat back and have been waiting ever since. Accomplishing that goal didn't feel hard; I didn't love spending every waking moment working, being in class, or studying, but I was happy to do it for the bigger thing it was accomplishing. That goal? Not my hardest.

The goals that I really struggle with are the day-to-day goals. And, oddly enough, they are the ones that (with the exception of 'get married' and 'spontaneously acquire the ability to please all of the people, all of the time')are entirely dependent on my own behavior. For example: Exercise more. All I have to do to accomplish that goal is, well, exercise more. For some reason, though, this goal seems huge, daunting, and completely impossible. Mostly because I really dislike exercising. But huge, daunting, and completely impossible, nonetheless. Making sure Peanut was taken care of was a big goal, and a really important one. Getting myself back to school was a big goal, and a really important one. So why do I struggle with the smaller goals that are entirely within my power?

I don't actually know the answer to this, but what I do know is that I don't want to be the same person that I was before I got pregnant. I want to be a different person; a bigger person (and not just because of my apparent inability to exercise). I'm learning to see self-discipline, especially in the areas that make me want to cross my arms and pout, as a building block to becoming more than I currently am. To see that even if it feels like a small, frustrating goal the greater good that it is accomplishing is worth it. To see my goals as opportunities, period; not opportunities for failure. This change of attitude is, not surprisingly, slow going, but I'm finding hope in it. The big goals I have accomplished were inspired by Peanut and, in turn, the hope that I can be more than what I am. Seeing my little goals in that light make me want to do a good job, not bemoan the fact that I have to work at all. 

SO, to that end, I have made a (small) goal for next week:

In the interest of good nutrition and smart budgeting, I am going to bring my lunch to work with me every single day. And eat it.

And it will be awesome : )