To my little buddy...

Dear Peanut,
Tonight we went to your house for your little sister's first birthday party. When I arrived, I saw you standing outside the front door, but I thought you were looking at another car that was arriving. I collected my things quickly so that I could catch you before you went back inside, and was delighted when I got out of the car to see you running down the pathway to see me. As you stepped off the curb you said, "Hi Jee-wee!" and I scooped you up to hug you. I carried you inside and your dad walked over to greet me. As he came, he imitated what you had been saying as I pulled up: "My Jee-wee here! My Jee-wee here!" and you, not understanding that he was repeating you and thinking he was calling me his Julie, gave him a worried look and said in a concerned voice, "No, MY Jee-wee." My heart just about melted.
Later, you unexpectedly came out of your bedroom sobbing. You'd been playing with your big sister and her friends and none of us knew why you were upset. Because my mommy instinct has never left, I immediately picked you up to comfort you. I asked you what was wrong and, through tears, you said it was the dark. The girls had been playing, turned off the lights, and you were afraid and convinced there were ghosts. You cuddled on my shoulder and calmed down, and together we went back into your room. You sat in my lap for five minutes while the girls continued to play. When the lights went out I would tickle you and remind you I was there, and soon you weren't afraid anymore. You told me I should leave, got up to play, and went back to having fun.
You probably won't fully understand this until you have your own children. I didn't until I had you. The honor of comforting your child is so great. It was an unspeakably sweet feeling to get to hold you and comfort you, to make you giggle and feel brave; to know that you were just as comfortable with me when you were scared and sad as you are with your own mom and dad. I feel a real sense of loss for the mommy experiences I know I have missed because of your adoption, but I can't tell you how grateful I am for moments like these. I will never forget them.
I am also so very grateful to your parents. They are unendingly and unfailingly kind, generous, and loving. They have made such a big point of welcoming me (along with the rest of my family) into your family's life. They have loved me, prayed for me, cared for me, and spoiled me. They have worked hard to instill in you the idea that I am someone important in your life, and this is far above and beyond their call as parents. They have made every effort to make sure that you know who I am, and I do not have the words to thank them for that. My goal in your adoption has been to make sure you don't remember a time when I wasn't in your life. For your mom and dad to support and encourage that has meant the world to me. Hearing you call me "My Jee-wee" is the sweetest thing my heart could hope for.
I miss you every day, but I have never doubted for a second that you are in the right place with your family. You are truly their son as much as you are mine, and I feel so very blessed to be witness to that. A friend of mine once said something that resonated with me. It was in a different context, but if I were to say about my life I would say it like this: "Adoption breaks my heart and fills it up all at the same time." Missing you breaks my heart, but knowing you and being known by you fill it up even more.
I love, love, love you, Peanut, and am so proud to be your mommy.
Love,
Your Jee-Wee