First, you have to think of a phrase. I completely understand if you're thinking, "Seriously, Julie. How hard can it be?" because I thought that, too. And then I had to do it. Trying to come up with a phrase that I wanted to collectively represent my thoughts was not nearly as easy as I thought it would be. No one wants to have an unintentionally cutesy title, but if you try to be too serious it sounds pretentious. It should be meaningful, but not so personal that people worry it's going to be borderline-psychotic love letters to total strangers or celebrities. Coupled with the fact that blog names are first-come-first-serve meant that any idea that I did manage to come up with was already taken. My blog account sat opened and empty for a month and a half before I did anything with it.
My inspiration eventually came from an unlikely source. I had cut the phrase 'What Love Looks Like Now' out of a magazine a few years ago, and it has been especially meaningful to me this last year-and-a-half. Ten months ago, my son was born. My beautiful, precious son who means the world to me. To say that getting pregnant had been unplanned would be like saying that a tornado is unplanned. While technically true, the phrase addresses neither the actual experience or its aftereffects. My own personal tornado had hit, and I was caught in the whirlwind with no warning. The day I found out I was pregnant, a friend of mine asked if I thought I would keep the baby or put him or her up for adoption. "Oh no," I said. "I feel like this is my responsibility, I don't think I could give my baby up for adoption..."
Famous last words : )
Peanut and I had a wonderful, if nauseous, 9 months together. The rest of my life was chaotic; deciding on adoption was a heart-wrenching decision, but I am so grateful that being pregnant gave me time that he was undeniably mine. It took a lot of time and counseling to feel like giving my son to another family was not only an act of love, but of responsibility. I felt for a long time that adoption would be absolving myself of my child, that he would think I didn't want or love him. It came as something of a shock to realize that loving my son, to the best of my ability, would mean changing what I thought love looked like. Ultimately I realized that the life I could give Peanut through adoption was the greatest act of love I can ever commit. Because of his adoption, my son now has a mom and dad who love each other and who think he is one of the two most incredible little people ever to be born. He has a big sister whom he loves, and who has fallen in love with him. He has a swing set in his backyard and more toys than his 10-month-old brain knows what to do with. He has gone to Disney Land, Sea World, Lego Land, Wisconsin, Wyoming, and he watched the SuperBowl with his dad wearing his favorite team's jersey. Adoption has given him a huge and happy life.
I feel so privileged and humbled to be a part of Peanut's story. I get to see him regularly and am unspeakably proud of him. He is happy, safe and healthy. His little heart will never be hurt by the questions that a life with me would have inevitably raised. He will never see his mommy worry about if there's enough time or money, if child support was paid on time, if his dad will come to see him...And knowing that I was able to spare him that has forever transformed what love looks like to me.
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| My Peanut : ) |
